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selfishness and the other side…

meditate to destroy the ego.

 

each individual sequestered to their dark corner,

tucked away in a protecting blanket in absence of light,

guarding, cloaked in sheets of frigid rain,

choking to death on thick sooty claustrophobic self-pity,

eyes fill with glimpses of, then turn away from the end.

 

what a bummer…hahahaha

i wrote this today during a meeting. i used to feel this way. i strongly identify with the passage because i firmly know its other side.

i am blessed that i have so much to give. i can give an ear, a smile, time, hugs and compassion. i practice and strive to eradicate my own selfish self-seeking motives on a daily basis. fuck what i want. screw what i think is going to happen. smash to pieces my small-minded self-seeking manipulative agendas. destroy the sad covetous ways of the ego. those around and about me teach me how to enlarge my spiritual life that in turn gives me the ability to perform selfless service. i get to “stay out-of-the-way” today. AAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh, the great removal of self.

there is always enough time, love and compassion, charity and goodwill.

there always will be.

 

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the rain sheets down and washes away the mind…

Spoke with a friend of mine who just recently completed a 10 day silent meditation course. Yeah, the Goenka one. BRUTAL!

If you happen to be reading this, I REJOICE IN YOUR MERIT!!! May all beings be happy.

Actually this is the style of meditation I have made the most progress with. Penetrating deep into the psyche and seeing who I really am. What I am really made of…mostly passing thoughts….reactions to external and internal stimuli…sensations, nothing more. surgery on the mind. hahahaahha.

its nice to know that you are just like everybody else. I react like everybody else and think, feel and act. A living breathing organism, nothing more. Not special, not unique. I find it funny how I used to live under the assumption that I was separate from or an individual. In the beginning it was very hard to shake the ideas of “better than” or “less than”. I never really got the whole “right sized thing”. Separateness, togetherness, these concepts may be true at the apparent or surface level but is it so on the ultimate reality of space and time?

I mention this only because it IS the only question i concern myself with these days. How can i adhere or align with Dhamma. what is my buddha nature? The body does whatever it is doing with awareness and equanimity, THERE i answered my own question.

the thought often comes to mind that this body (my body) is made up of sub-atomic particles. I have heard scientists say that there is more empty space between the sub-atomic particles than there are actual sub-atomic particles….CREEPY THOUGHT. tee-hee

Do you mean to tell me that I am actually made up of more emptiness than actual matter? It’s possible that I am nothing more than a “history” of like and dislike coming together in this moment?

yes…

Ah, but this ego says otherwise.

hahahahahaha

koan of the day

Or, whenever inbreath touches outbreath fuse, at this instant touch the energyless energy-filled center.

missing in action…

yeah, i know i screwed the pooch. this crap needs to be written on everyday.

anyway, a couple days ago i ran 9.7 mi. whoa, right? considering i don’t really run. but every 3 weeks or so, i get the hankering for some real suffering. NO, two ways about it, running blows. it took me 2 hours.

about 1:55:37 in, and i hit this wall, then just beyond, indescribable joy, the endorphin high hit me like a ton of bricks. i began weeping. i mean the whole shebang. crying like a baby. it was wonderful. WHAT??? another second wind? you betcha!!! i went home afterward, ate then snuggled with the dog and took a long nap.

the next day i went to karate sparring and got the shit beat out of me. i seemed to be unable to block kicks and punches that came my way. the black belts were all asking me if i was feeling ok. i am usually pretty on my shit with attacks and evasion, however not so this day. i depleted my body and such that i had nothing left for the next few days. hahaha. that endorphin high was pretty kick ass though, huh! so, after karate ass-whoopin i came home and ate then slept.

otherwise, just been going to lots of meetings and hanging with sponsees. smashing out these steps and traditions in most of my affairs.

koan of the day…

 

as waves come with water and flames with fire, so the universe waves with us.

 

training of mind

regret, aversion and craving are defilements of mind.

future tripping, denial and fantasizing are defilements of mind.

today i vow to stay centered in observation of the mind.

i must sober my awareness.

i vow to just see the thoughts and mind states change and see how long they last.

they change for no reason.

they move and undulate like clouds in the sky, ever shifting and morphing into variations of themselves.

i does not exist.

there is no me. the body and mind at this moment are made up of like and dislike.

be still.

be here.

become the moment.

that is all.

the task at hand is to unravel.

the task at hand is to get naked.

peel away the layers of the onion to its core.

emptiness is all that is left.

space and then….

the suffering in pleasure…

in the eyes of the world, a person may be considered very happy or even consider himself very happy. how long do people enjoy such pleasures? how quickly does the momentary brightness turn to darkness. as much as a person gets involved in and attached to these pleasures, to the same degree he involves himself in inevitable suffering. but one who enjoys pleasantness with detachment-clearly understanding its impermanent nature-is always safe from the suffering when the pleasure ends. therefore while enjoying these pleasures, if we are aware of there changing, impermanent nature, if we are aware of the inherent dukkha in them, then we remain free of the pain that comes along when these pleasures end. to see dukkha in our pleasures is too see the truth which destroys dukkha; this is a righteous way of life which ensures our well-being.

in reading this by S.N. GOENKA,

i am reminded yet again that it is most important to cultivate awareness and equanimity in daily life. to remain aware, alert, vigilant, balanced when enjoying some activity. it is important to question constantly? what am i allowing myself to think about? where is my head at? am i remaining present? what are the bodily sensations occuring at this moment? am i wanting to speak out of insecurity? am i even about to practice noble speech? where is this reaction really about to come from?

what the fuck is one sixth?

i will soon spin you the yarn of how i became a one sixth addict.

where is my security?

 

danny trejo is impermanent

there is no consistent/constant safety.

yet my habit nature dictates that i look for it.

nothing is forever.

all that the mind has been indoctrinated with rails against nature as it is… it fights against nature as it is.

the only thing that never changes is impermanence.

so if i can train my mind to ally with impermanence, to parallel with change, then i have a chance to be free.

and what i mean by free is free from ego, expectations and self. free to be, here, now, alone with reality which is a subtle breath or a beating heart.

in bed, eating, reading or on the shitter.

being shot at, running, being dumped, getting fired, being hit by a car, dieing.

to die. without fighting it.

death.

death.

death.

it is nature. it is natural. it is real.

by the way…my danny trejo doll is impermanent too.

oh, and he will kick your ass!!!

a letter i just wrote at the behest of my union

i have changed the name of my past employer to “i heart huckabees” for various obvious reasons.

enjoy…

Dear Peoples,

Here is the letter you asked me to write.

To whom it may concern:

I received the greatest gift in January of 1993. That gift of course was, being a consumer in a rehabilitation center for substance use and mental health in San Francisco. Others (staff) showed up for me on a daily basis and provided structure, held me accountable, listened to me and showed me a way out of my misery. It was through their consistent care and understanding that I improved my quality of life. I grew in ways I never thought possible. I began to see after a time that they (those in recovery) had been given the gift as well. It was impressed upon me that this gift of recovery was something that was handed off from person to person (social rehabilitation) in a lineage dating back to the beginnings of humanity. It was this “goodwill towards all” attitude that drove their ability to share and care/provide “SERVICE” to another human being. This basic powerful “goodwill towards all” attitude is what drives me in my daily affairs. It has governed my professional clinical work for the last 15 years. It makes no difference where I am. It permeates every area of my existence. It is why I strive to continue to educate myself, remain flexible and rise to the challenges our diverse clients present us with at “I HEART HUCKABEES”.

I believe in my core that there is a true need for an arena to be provided for those seeking recovery, acceptance, understanding, structure, health, unconditional love and skill building through social model rehabilitation. I see that “I HEART HUCKABEES” has been that arena for almost 8 decades, for those who’ve requested that.

I , myself have always strived to meet the client where they were at with the utmost cultural competency and professional clinical skills. There have been many times when a client and myself have reached that “Ah-ha” or break-through moment in their treatment episode and that they have felt supported and safe enough to step to the “next level”, effectively. I appreciate the honor of getting to be a part of a client’s growth. I deeply appreciate getting to bear witness of their recovery and mirroring back to them, their triumphs. I understand that “I HEART HUCKABEES”, the agency as a whole, espouses, rehabilitation, team-building, care and above all, goodwill towards people who are struggling with mental and psychological illnesses and chemical addictions.

I am extremely grateful to have been of service to our clients. And look forward to continuing to assist them anyway I can in helping them reach their goals.

Thank you

Mr. Man